I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
