guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize