I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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