I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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