I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
