it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
