Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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