I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
