i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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