Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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