i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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