We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Randomize
