Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
two words: eviction party
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
