she woke up with a sticky ear
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
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