I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
