Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
