So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
