im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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