i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
