I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
being pregnant is like rehab
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
