I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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