My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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