Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
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