we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
