You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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