I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
