Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
