When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
