ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
