My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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