No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize