I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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