im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
