Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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