There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
