she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
