So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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