I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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