we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
