Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
