Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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