About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
