I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
