I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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