you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
