I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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