shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
