Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
