So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My cat gives me a boner
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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