I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
