i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
is wine microwaveable?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
