My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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