I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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