Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize