I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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