i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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