I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
