Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm like, not good at living.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
