I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I could make wine with my vomit
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
