he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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