I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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